The Philadelphia Phillies Are The Most Hungover Team In Baseball History
The older you get, the more you start to fear hangovers. You used to be able to drink 12 beers on a Friday night in college, wakeup on Saturday morning ready to do it all again without zero hesitation. You wake up on that Sunday morning with nothing but a sore throat from the pack of drunk cigs you ripped through at 2am.
By the time you turn 27 you start to realize that you can no longer go all out on a Friday and Saturday night without feeling like you've been run over by a train on that Sunday. You're worthless the entire day. You walk downstairs to grab a few slices of room temp pizza leftover from the pregame, slug some water, lay down on the couch the whole day and maybe convince yourself to go out and pick up your Chinese food for dinner so you don't have to tip the delivery driver.
Once you hit 30, it's over. You drink 2.5 IPAs on a Saturday afternoon and you're not feeling like a functioning member of society until Tuesday night. Wedding weekends are the absolute worst. You think you can still drink like you're in your early 20's at the welcome party on Friday night, put on a heroic performance to bounce back for the actual wedding on Saturday, and now you are FUCKED for the entire week.
Moral of the story here is that hangovers only last longer and become increasingly debilitating as time goes on. And the Philadelphia Phillies are currently dealing with the most vicious hangover of them all, because they've been hung for months now. It's been 5 months since the 2022 Phillies season ended with a loss to Houston in the World Series. I'm not going to say the team overachieved last season considering what their payroll looks like, but they certainly were never expected to get to that point of the season. They became violently drunk off of success and confidence. And they're paying the price for it now.
This team is on pace to be historically dog shit. 0-4 to start the year. The pitching has been atrocious.
The hitting has been brutal when they've needed it.
The fielding has been laughable.
The only reasonable explanation here is that this team is somehow still hungover from the playoff run last year. At least that's what we need to be hoping for. Because eventually you kick the hangover and you're back to being good as new. Doesn't matter if you're 22 or 52, the moment you shake that hangover off you feel like you're ready to get after it like you've never done before. So either the Phillies are just going through their "I'm never drinking again" phase right now, or maybe they're actually just a god awful baseball team and could end up losing 100 games this season. Going to be very fun to figure out which one it is.
Play the song!